“Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating”
by Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips
P&R Publishing, 2006
Many college students will graduate with not just a degree, but a husband or wife. College is a time when many men and women will meet, date each other, and possibly commit to marriage. For those of us who are Christians, what are some guidelines for dating? What does the Bible say about Christian dating? In “Holding Hands, Holding Hearts,” Richard D. Phillips and Sharon L. Phillips present a biblical view of Christian dating.
In the first half of the book, Phillips and Phillips present “A Biblical View of Dating and Relationships” (page 15). This view encompasses the creation of man and woman in an ideal relationship, the fall of that relationship and the relationship to God, and the redemption of both relationships through Jesus Christ.
Particularly memorable for me was their discussion of intimacy and commitment, to which they return throughout the book. Commitment is faithfulness, and it is the man’s responsibility to demonstrate commitment toward a women he is dating. Intimacy is uncovering or exposing the secrets of your heart, and it is only safely done within the confines of commitment. As the Phillips write, “Commitment is the cup into which intimacy is safely poured” (page 35).
Sin brings problems to the the ideal relationship that Adam and Eve had. Two problems stuck out to me. First, the man no longer can give selfless love to the woman. He wants to look out for himself, whether it be time on the couch or staying late at work. Second, the woman desires her husband in a way that damages her and her husband. She will be let down, because ultimately only God can satisfy her desires, and she will hurt the man when she manipulates him to get what she wants.
Our fallen relationships can be redeemed in Christ. “A redeemed relationship begins with the man and the woman individually coming to God and turning to him as the Lord and Savior of their lives” (page 56). The authors use Psalm 16 to show how we can find satisfaction in God. Then we can tear down idols in ourselves and instead minister to each other.
The second half of the book is more practical. The part is entitled “Biblical Wisdom for Dating and Relationships,” and it covers topics from attraction to a first date to commitment and marriage. For the most part, Phillips and Phillips stick to the best source of advice on the matter, the Bible. The chapter on attraction paints a beautiful picture from Proverbs of the qualities desirable in a godly man and a godly woman. For me, it was a reminder to me to seek these qualities in a potential spouse. It was also a reminder to cultivate these qualities in myself.
If the first half of the book tells how we can be first redeemed in Christ, the second half of the book discusses our sanctification. “No one is perfect. … The whole point of Christian marriage is for two vastly flawed people to grow in the Lord together while they are taught how to love by a gracious God” (page 111). As it is with marriage, so it is with a healthy dating relationship that will lead toward marriage.
As a couple get to know each other better, they grow in interdependence and exclusivity in their relationship. So how do I know? If I am in a relationship, how do I know if he or she is the one? The authors answer this question with a gentle but firm realigning of our expectations. The Bible says that “what matters most is not finding the one right person but becoming the person that God wants you to be.”
I have spent much time summarizing the book, in hopes that even this summary could get some ideas floating around in your head. I highly recommend this book to dive even further into the ideas and see the scripture related to the authors’ ideas. Please contribute to the discussion below with your thoughts.